Pissed Off in Paradise
Remember Club Med commercials from the 1980s and 1990s? The montages of beautiful people on beautiful beaches with slogans like “life the way it should be.” These ads were a staple of my childhood; and, recently, this fanciful memory became an adulthood reality.
Shockingly, Club Med resorts still exist all over the world. In fact, there is one in Okinawa, Japan. Aaron’s company recently closed for a week in August for the big Japanese holiday of Obon. Aaron and I wanted a beach vacation for the break. In Japan, that means heading to the sunny, humid (very very humid), tropical, lush, and mountainous islands of the Okinawa prefecture. According to internet searches one of the best all-inclusive resorts and one of the best resorts for families in Okinawa was Club Med Kabira Beach.
Bags backed, one drive to the train station, three extremely crowded trains, one humid as Hell airport, one stifling Japanese airplane, and one taxi cab later - we were in Okinawa at Club Med. The beauty of the Ishigaki Island did not disappoint. The beaches were white sand, the water was brilliant blue and turquoise, and the mountains were fuzzy with vibrant green plants. Ishigaki Island reminded me of Hawaii, although I have no actual experience on which to base that comparison.
Like pretty much everywhere in Japan, the food and service were second to none. Like most places in Japan, the room was in desperate need of a renovation.[1] And a really good dusting. Baseboards, people! Don’t overlook them.
The resort lived up to its family-friendly reputation with activities for kids well into the evening, including acrobatic and musical shows. One night was Glow Party themed and featured a bar covered in glowing shots, alcoholic for adults and non-alcoholic for kids, while the speakers pumped out LMFAO singing “Shots shots shots shots shots, everybody!” The Glow Party music mix also included “My Neck, My Back” by Khia. It was the radio edit version, but a family-friendly event that includes shots and that song just feels wrong to me.
Anyway, on a different night, the kids were the entertainment performing rehearsed dances in costume. The resort awarded the kids for a show well done with a surprise Candyland Party featuring tables of sugary drinks and trays of candy. The typhoon of sugar started at the “child friendly” hour of 9pm, better known as my bedtime.
The best part of vacation was the Mini Club, a kids-only club where Franny could hang out with other children during the day. Basically, a free babysitter![2] She loved it, and Aaron and I loved having childcare for the first time since we arrived in Japan.
While Franny was at Mini Club, Aaron and I decided to try wind surfing, an activity for which Franny was too young to participate. The instructor was a young man from Senegal with a thick accent. To his credit, he spoke French and had just learned English only six months prior. He was already fairly fluent. Whereas, I have been studying Japanese for a year, and I am…not fluent. In fact, the more Japanese I learn, the more I am convinced that I will never know Japanese.
Two days of attempting to wind surf reminded me that I need to finally internalize a lesson I have learned a million times before. I suck at sports. All sports. I should not do them. As an aside, thank God I am married because I doubt a Tinder profile that reads, “Interests: Totally unathletic and uncoordinated. Also, does not hike or camp” would get many swipes.
Things started to unravel when the instructor kept yelling “Relax! Relax!” at all the would-be wind surfers. I do not think anyone in the history of the world has ever relaxed because someone shouted at them to “Relax!” Nevertheless, I tried to open, close, back, and front in a relaxed position as per the young man’s instructions. Yet, I kept hearing him yell at me “Lady,” - his pet name for me…and every other woman - “Lady! Get in position! No! Position! Front! Back! Open! Open! Open! Never mind, just swim back. Swim back!” Apparently, I am completely incapable of standing on the fucking board correctly. I would swim the board back, and he would start his lecture again…. “The position is very important.” If I had a sharp object, I would have been tempted to stab him right in his “important position.”
If I ever do try athletics again, like maybe I am drunk and overly confident, I need to remember not to attempt said endeavor with my husband. When I do a sport with Aaron, who is good at everything, I end up feeling annoyed, pathetic, and abandoned by him. Side note, when we are forced to run for connecting flights in the airport, I also feel abandoned by him. He has sprinted off and left me behind with my bag more than once.
By the second day of my wind surfing failure, I had enough. I started to yell back at the instructor. “I haven’t been this frustrated since I took the bar exam!” The instructor tried to calm me down by saying that he was supposed to be teaching other students, but he was still helping me. As if he deserved a damn medal or something. “Well, don’t! I don’t want you to,” I said. Then I cried.[3] Meanwhile, Aaron was off a quarter mile from the shore practically qualifying for the Olympics. That was the last straw. This “Lady” was done. I flipped Aaron off and abandoned my board.
Fuck sports.
Outside of the arena, there is one activity in which I excel. That is drinking.[4] Ok not really, but I do love an all-inclusive resort. While the Club Med staff was excellent, they could have been faster with the wine refills at lunch and dinner. This chronic problem came into focus our first night when we witnessed a Frenchman get up from his dinner table, enter the staff area of the dining room, and pour himself a glass of wine multiple times. I also noticed that my male servers would pour me half glasses of wine each time. About two finger widths, roughly 5 minutes’ worth of wine, or one gulp if I was still coming down from my wind surfing lesson. I tried to only order from female servers. My ladies would pour me a real Big Girl glass of wine. They had my back. And my neck for that matter.
Despite my revived resolve to never participate in sports again, I did not want to leave the resort without trying their flying trapeze. It’s not really a sport, is it? The instructors showed us how to jump off the platform and “fly through the air with the greatest of ease.” They also had us practice pulling our legs up, hooking our knees over the bar, and hanging upside down from the bar. Or “no hands” as Franny calls it. “No hands” could be attempted during your swing if you were so inclined.
During my swing, I tried to hook my knees around the bar. Of course, I failed. Aaron, on the other hand, was able to hook his knees and hang upside down.
How freaking annoying?!?! I do a killer ab workout at least four times a week. I have been focusing specifically on lower abs, the muscles used to lift your legs up to the bar. Aaron never even does abdomen exercises! That is unless he accidentally drops a peanut while drinking a beer.[5] Aaron was smart enough to stop doing the trapeze after his first successful trip out. He must want to stay married.
I tried one more time and got closer to hooking my knees, but I was still unsuccessful.
Yeah, so…Fuck sports.
[1] At least in my limited experience in Japan, which has not been in the newer parts of larger cities like Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto.
[2] Well, not exactly free, it’s built into the price of the resort - which makes me wonder why you would ever go to a Club Med without your kids.
[3] I realized that I cry a lot in these anecdotes. I am a crier. My emotions have always come straight out of my eyeballs. Basically, I’m Jude Law in The Holiday. “I’m a major weeper.” Plus, living in Japan is hard!
[4] I am also really good at cleaning. Please see above when I mention baseboards. I used to be a good communicator as well, but that is completely worthless now that I live in a country where I do not speak or understand the language.
[5] In his defense, he bikes to work every day resulting in about an hour of intense exercise five times a week. He has gained leg muscle, lost weight, and his mid-section is looking trimmer. I also try to exercise five times a week, I eat healthy, I drink less alcohol, and I walk everywhere. I have had no weight loss results whatsoever.