STRICTLY PROHIBITED! Unless Drunk
Japanese people love precision. My Japanese teacher, Shogaki Sensei, recently told me that there is a highly engrained cultural fear of misunderstandings and those misunderstandings resulting in conflict among the Japanese people. If culture shapes language, which is the belief of some linguistics experts,[1] then this cultural fear of misunderstandings has evolved into a very precise language and a very rule-oriented society. To me, it feels like every aspect of Japanese life is dominated by rules, regulations, prohibitions, and more rules.
I have previously mentioned the 63-page, entirely in Japanese, handbook that I was provided when Franny was enrolled in kindergarten. Prior to school every day Franny and I do our best “airplane pilots readying for takeoff” routine as we go through the 17-item checklist to ensure I haven’t forgotten anything required by the school. The pressure is on par with that felt by combat pilots, I’m sure.
On Mondays, there are an additional four items on the checklist. During the summer months when the pool is operational, there are an additional five items, including a swimsuit with Franny’s name sown onto the chest. Poor Franny, I am not good at anything that requires hand-eye coordination, particularly sewing.[2]
Even at Costco, which Shogaki Sensei referred to as, “basically America,” an employee told me in Japanese that Franny was not permitted to ride in the flatbed of the cart. I pretended to not understand what she was saying, but damn she was unrelenting. Finally, Franny and I acquiesced. Doesn’t feel very American to me...
More recently Franny started swim class. While the aquatic center handbook was a mere 17-pages, they were quite dense. If Franny has to miss a class, I need to tell them by 11:59pm that day. She can make up one class per month in the same calendar month or the first week of the next month. However, she has three months to make up a class if the school cancels. Regardless, monthly testing classes can only be made up during that testing week. On and on. When you arrive at the aquatic center, everyone is required to take off their shoes and put them into a cubby. After soaking my socks on the wet locker room floor - twice, I was inspired by a few other patrons to purchase plastic “aquatic center only shoes” for Franny and me. Also, all the kids wear the same mandatory swimsuit and swim cap; which, of course, I had to buy there.
Not only does the aquatic center have a lot of rules, they are real sticklers about them. Despite having to come in for a trial lesson and another time to fill out paperwork, Franny and I had to come early for her first lesson to buy the swimsuit and cap. Normally, students are not permitted in the locker room until seven minutes before their lesson. Not five minutes, not 10 minutes, but seven minutes before. However, the administrators said we could go in early so Franny could change into her newly purchased swimsuit. This instruction was not communicated to the locker room Gestapo who utterly refused to permit early entry. Through Google Translate, I tried to explain the situation. Like Tom Petty, he wouldn’t back down. I explained that the administrators at the desk said it was ok. With that, I finally wore the kid down a whole two minutes early. Victory is mine!
During her second lesson, I decided to pay so I could also swim laps. I bought the required swim cap and conservative swimsuit. Although, mine is a little scandalous because it doesn’t go to my knees. No, seriously. Despite my best efforts, I was not compliant with all the rules, regulations, and prohibitions.
When I got to the pool deck, a worker rushed out of the overlooking employee room to tell me my sports watch is strictly prohibited in the water. It is waterproof with a setting for tracking your aquatic workout, but that’s fine. Fortunately, her watch scolding did allow me to ask her about each of the signs in Japanese labelling every swim lane. Through her broken English, my terrible Japanese, and flailing arms, I learned some lanes are restricted to specific activities. Of course they are…
When I was leaving the pool, the same worker rushed to tell me that my shoes are strictly prohibited on the pool deck. I am still unclear how I am supposed to leave the locker room and get to the pool without stepping on the wet locker room floor with my bare feet while my shoes remain in my locker. Tricky.
Before swimming, I was putting on my swim cap when an old Japanese man came walking through the women’s locker room. Fortunately, I was fully clothed at that time. He looked at me, chuckled, and just kept walking through. Apparently, men in the women’s locker room is the one rule for which the facility is not fanatic!
Recently, my Japanese teacher hypothesized that the reason so many Japanese people drink to get drunk is because of all these rules. They get tired of the rules, precision, and pressure to be correct all the time. They use alcohol to just cut loose. While I do not know if her theory is correct, she is certainly correct that many Japanese people drink to get drunk. Aaron has semi-mandatory drinking parties he must attend for work known as “Nomikai.”[3] Many restaurants, including upscale ones, will offer a flat rate for all you can drink alcohol for two hours. The day after drinking to excess, you can buy clam soup in a can from a vending machine as it is supposed to be a good hangover cure.
Since I was venting my frustrations about all these rules – again – Shogaki Sensei offered to take me to a bar. Not a nice bar where the bartenders wear bow ties, but a specific kind of casual bar. Apparently, at these establishments there are no rules. People get drunk and they may even take off their clothes and dance on tables, so she says. No one will care if I break a rule because the other patrons will have already broken all of the rules anyway.
My very impassioned and sincere response was, “Yes! Please take me to Sodom and Gomorrah.” As Japan is not a country founded in Christianity, I then had to explain this reference. A field trip to a bar should make for a pretty interesting Substack, assuming we don’t turn into pillars of salt.
[1] Ted Radio Hour Podcast, They/Them, LatinX, Rigged: The history behind three words, May 24, 2024.
[2] Simple observations made during drop-off and pick-up allow one to conclude mothers are primarily responsible for ensuring all the kindergarten rules are followed. However, the school sent home a gift for dads for Father’s Day but no gift for moms for Mother’s Day. This is fine. I’m not bitter.
[3] There are no plurals in the Japanese language. I have found that using Japanese words in my English Substacks sometimes feels grammatically awkward.