Time to Put on My Big Boy Pants
Starting around adolescence, I never had the oh-so coveted tiny frame and skinny body. I’m 5’6” and I have always had large hips, butt, and boobs. By today’s standards, my frame might have been considered desirable. However, I came of age in the late 90s and 00s. The “heroin chic” figure was a must-have. This fact was reinforced by already thin celebrities like Jennifer Aniston, Tara Reid, and Christina Aguilera getting even thinner.[1] I had “friends” tell me I could not get a boyfriend because I was too fat. Despite running cross country and working out all the time, some “friends” acted like my size was due to laziness and moral failing.[2] These messages led to decades of low self-esteem, little confidence, and even self-loathing.
I finally came to terms with my size around the time I met my husband. (He’s a prince in more ways than he knows.) That acceptance and love resulted in actual weight loss and confidence for the first time in my life. Years later, I was even able to lose the baby weight I gained having Franny, and there was a lot of baby weight to lose.
A couple of years ago, however, I gained about 20-25lbs (in what felt like) overnight. Despite training for a marathon and a half marathon in the same year and even going on medication (not Ozempic, I am not a Real Housewife of Columbus), I have not been able to lose that weight. To make matters worse, I was now carrying weight on my tummy, a new zone for me, and I still have no idea how to feel chic and sexy. I have a lot of thoughts about body image and health, but that’s not what this post is about…
Prior to leaving for Japan, we were warned that Japanese summers are hot and humid. Other Americans told me last summer was 106o Fahrenheit with 100% humidity. Some quick Google research revealed that, while linen blends can be great for heat, 100% linen clothing is best for handling the glorious cocktail of heat and humidity.
Unfortunately, 100% linen clothing tends to be expensive. Strategically, Aaron and I invested in our summer wardrobes for Japan from the United States in the fall when leftover linen from the summer collections was on sale. We both purchased an entire summer wardrobe of linen and other breathable materials. Admittedly, we were very excited about our new, stylish, and colorful summer ensembles. These items were then packed up in November along with other possessions and sent to Japan via ocean shipment.
Buying these items in the US was also necessary, because – as you may have noticed – Japanese people tend to be petite. In fact, Japanese companies measure their employee’s waist lines. If a person is too large, the company offers them fitness incentives. In extreme cases, employers may be fined by the government because of employee waist lines. As I already discussed, I am not thin by American standards let alone Japanese standards. While Aaron is slender, he is 6’1” with long limbs. Even prior to arriving in Japan, we had little faith Japanese clothing would fit us.
Well…you know what they say about best laid plans… Around my second day in Japan, Aaron received a call informing him that our ocean shipment had been robbed. At this point we had very little information, but we knew some items were stolen out of the shipping container in port in the US. The theft caused a delay in receiving our ocean shipment to our Japanese home, which was an adventure itself. As my mother put it, we were basically glamping in our house until the ocean shipment arrived. As an aside, I learned that a desperate person can cook vegetables in a rice cooker.
When our ocean shipment finally arrived, we discovered the stolen items included Franny’s bike, a filing cabinet, mattress toppers, a computer, toiletries, and – of course – all of our summer clothes and bathing suits, among other items. Fortunately, we did receive reimbursement from the insurance company for our stolen items. However, that amount included the sale price for all of our fabulous off-season linen. Womp womp.
The weather quickly started to warm here in Japan in April, and that meant it was time for Aaron and I to buy clothes. A few trips to the stores made it clear that men’s shorts and bathing suits for both of us could not be purchased here in Japan. We bought items online in the United States and Aaron’s mom shipped it to us for the bargain price of $108 plus another $60 in customs fees. Amounts that were not reimbursed by the insurance company.
As previously mentioned, most Japanese women are tiny, but one does encounter the occasional fuller figured woman. That being said, I have come to learn that even those women are not broad in the hips and butt. My body shape difference has made shopping, well, challenging… I have given up on buying dresses. In order to cover my butt, the skirt is so huge I look like I am wearing a bell. Additionally, as a thigh gap challenged person, my thighs rubbing together in 106 o at 100% humidity is to be avoided like my life depends on it. Since friction can result in fire, my life does kind of depend on it. Long story short, breathable pants had to be bought.
Eventually, Aaron and I ventured to a popular Japanese store called UNIQLO, I tried on women’s size L pants. Taking them off my ass was harder than removing my first layer of skin. I decided to purchase two pairs of XL pants. Upon wearing the pants, I realized that the XL fits while I am standing, but when I start walking the pants start riding my crotch. Sorry, there is no polite way to say it.
So back to UNIQLO we went. I felt like I tried on every pair of women’s size XL pants they had in the store. However, the same problem kept coming up - pun intended. At this point, I was frustrated and exhausted. Those feelings of low-esteem and self-loathing were poisoning my brain. I decided to accept the advice offered to me by other American women in Japan, and I took my large ass to the men’s side of the store. Since they were men’s pants, I grabbed size M and L. Unfortunately, even men’s size L pants did not fit, let alone size M. At this point, I couldn’t stop the tears in my eyes from rolling down my cheeks. I returned to the racks and grabbed a pair of men’s XL pants. Since they fit, I bought three pairs of the same pants in different colors.
My logical brain knows it doesn’t matter. I like the pants, they fit, they look…fine. However, my vanity brain does not love wearing the largest size of men’s pants available at the store. The fact that my husband could borrow my pants makes we want to cry. Although the pants would be too short on him.[3]
The next day Franny handed me a picture she colored for me when I picked her up from school. Of course, I did the appropriate amount of gushing over her artistic genius. Franny informed me that she told her teacher she had to draw me a picture that day because I was sad that no “Japan clothes” fit me and I was forced to buy men’s pants.
“Franny, you didn’t tell your teacher I bought men’s pants, did you?”
“I did,” she replied matter-of-factly.
I really hope her Japanese teacher did not understand her English…
[1] This was before gorgeous women like Kim Kardashian, Ashley Graham, and Lizzo made curvier more acceptable.
[2] If you are reading this, you were not one of those friends as I have cut those people out of my life.
[3] I have since bought two pairs of pants from Gap Factory. One was size L and one was – wait for it – size M! This difference is not because I lost weight in-between shopping trips. It is simply the sizing difference of a western brand.